☽ ◯ ☾Burn, baby, burn. Burn your fear, your grief, your sadness, your guilt, your past, your regrets, your self judgement, your illusive failures, your anxious heart, your fear of the unknown, death, seperation, disconnection + misunderstanding. People often ask me why I worship the moon, or question what the cycles mean to me. I love nature. I love that I see this magnificent cosmic moon shift it‘s shape in the vast sky monthly, consistently for eons. I honor these symbolic + powerful times to reflect even more than I do on my life. To take time, moments, a ritual to ponder the gift of moments + where I stand throughout them. How I can grow, learn, let go + be. It is an evolution. This life, our time. Our relationship to ourselves + consequently others. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a beloved. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I do not know not how not to feel, to question, to delve, to not be raw + real. So I look to the moon, my constant companion since I was a small child to inspire my way, to light my path. To be the light + know the dark. Thirty nine years of me, every emotion, every vortex traveled + still so much more. I treasure the conscious yearning I have to become more of me. I burn for me, for my daughters so that we may embrace this mysterious existence with devotion to the truth of ourselves which deliver us to the power of being creatively transformational + adaptable to the ebb + flows of life, so that love is always welcome + that which is not, intuitively halted so that we may rise to find that which is meant for us. Burn all that does not serve you + trust in all that does. New Moon Blessings unto you…☽ ◯ ☾
I am free as a bird,
And light as a feather
I am reminded of myself,
Then forgotten in a glance
Who spoke those words to me,
and will I remember the sound of those sweet breaths next to my ear?
I forecast the shadow of the trees
and know no longer their hindrance
I am free as a bird,
And light as a feather
All should go as planned but with Mercury in retrograde expect at least one obstacle and feel badly for whomever stands in your way in advance because your impatience will get the better of you, resulting in the fiery forthrightness you need to express now. After that, smooth sailing.
What a lovely birthday month in store! All aspects of your life are flowing and you even have time to celebrate. Enjoy the fruits of your labor because next month some unexpected challenges arise. You’ve got competition, and not even your well known digging your heels in stubbornly will make this one go away without a fight.
Spend this month getting your ducks in a row. Reorganize and have a look at those aspects of your life that just don’t serve you any longer. You must disassemble to reassemble and when you do, you will emerge with focus and clarity, something you’re been needing but having ben putting off for far too long.
You’re feeling particularly social this month, escaping your cozy cavern to mingle and toast to the good occurrences of the past few months. Get up and get out, you’re in the perfect frame of mind by trusting your intuition to know when to slumber and when to soiree.
Not everything is going to go as planned in fact, it might not go at all. Take heed of this advice as a fair advanced warning so you may have time to divert your understandable frustration and anger to creation and not destruction. All is meant to be as it is and within the next month or two it will be revealed exactly why.
You’re focus is on love at the moment as it well should be. Your relationships are providing you with good vibes to help you accomplish your goals, which are seemingly mundane. This will shift to more exciting goals once you make a decision to take a risk. Do it, you’ll be ever so happy you do.
Let go of your love, meaning give it away and away like a scene from the Sound of Music, but be far more conservative with your funds. All this love you’re feeling may cause you’re spending to go overboard. Don’t. Do that and it will only cause you too much stress next month when even more social excitement abounds.
This month truly is what you make of it. Stressed? Then your circumstances will be too. Tranquil and patient? Then the energy around you will respond accordingly. You are powerful in what you are able to manifest this month, so choose the latter, consciously.
Take time to play but know when to reel it in. Don’t get carried away in vacation mode when you’re back on the job. Be exactly where you are and you’ll flourish in both work and play.
Some magic is making its way to you just be sure you’re rested and ready when it arrives. You’re extending yourself a bit too much at the moment so know when to say no.
You’re slumbering in the cocoon at the moment patiently molting into a new you. Changes are making their way to you so make love to your meditation so when they arrive you’ll be centered and powerful for the peaks and valleys that await this June.
‘Don’t worry be happy’ is your mantra this month. You’ve weathered quite an emotional storm this past year and the tides are turning towards tranquility now. Enjoy the solitude and togetherness but most of all the peace that it brings with it.
This Full Moon in Leo is beckoning us to illuminate the shadows within our friendships–to eradicate the dysfunction by way of the courageous Lion we have hidden or not so hidden within us, to set ourselves and the other free from vibrations that just doesn’t serve us and to shine on.
I lost one of my best friend’s from childhood last week. His passing was shocking and I’m still devastated and aching. I could actually feel the ripple effect of sadness from my hometown in Connecticut as it made it’s way down the coast and across to us in California. I cannot count the times he said to me ‘shine on crazy diamond’. He was a classic rock lover like me, reciting lyrics and spouting them whenever someone needed a poetic reminder of some emotion we were processing.
His death came at a poignant time in my life as I’ve been reassessing friendships here in my life fro quite some time. I’ve let a lot go—the crazy, unreasonable, the drama, dramatic, the issues, the fractured ego of those that need constant validation or coddling like a toddler having a tantrum. Even at the youngest ages I was never very good at handling any of those projections, nor would I want to be. I’ve always had a sense of how precious time is, how valuable it is and the awareness of the myriad of magical beings that do exist and that I want in my realm. Since I was young doing relentless delving into myself that I’ve always wanted to surround myself with–those bravely diving and healing from within and not those whom project their shit onto me. It’s volatile at worst and boring at best.
Danny’s passing illuminated what friendship means and has always meant to me. It is friendship with no need. Friendship without the other having to unhealthily satiate a damaged part of another. Friendship that illuminates the mind through study, discourse, debate, discussion, knowledge, wisdom, acceptance with difference, true acceptance. Not just in words or theory but shown through action and grace. Friendship with a trust of values, integrity and a moral compass that is the same no matter how different the rest we may be from each other. Friendship with laughter, tears and everything in between because that’s truth.
I feel him at peace now, and I feel me at peace now too. My way of honoring his passing is to instantly let go of any friendships that don’t fare well in my truth–heartfelt, mindful, intellectual, spiritual notions of pure intentions, healed selves and ambitious warriors and warrioresses for everything I too live for–peace, love, truth, honesty, integrity, justice, strength, laughter, knowledge, wisdom, and exchange of light.
I can hear his voice as I write this with that gorgeous devious smile saying ‘shine on crazy diamond’. I turned 38 yesterday and he’s been telling me that since I was 13 years old. I certainly won’t stop now. Danny, I will miss you forever and even in your death you gave me love, clarity, insight and strength. I love you.
You’re probably wondering what this is. This is a pile of frozen corn on my kitchen floor. You see I’ve had the kind of luck for almost three weeks now Alanis belts out in ‘Ironic’, (with the exception of meeting the man of my dreams and his lovely wife), the kind of three weeks where the whole family was taken down by the stomach virus (of which I have a clinical fear of vomiting) followed by two weeks and counting of fevers, incessant coughs and teething. The latter for reserved for Phoenix, although even my teeth hurt from not sleeping for almost 16 days. Misplaced keys, the most random things breaking, internet crashing of course when I needed it most, forgetting addresses when I went to the post office. And oh, a handful of those epic mama meltdowns. Well, you get the idea. Just trying to write this I’ve been interrupted 39 times while making dinner, singing Adele to the top of my lungs with Sage on our new karaoke machine to keep her and Phoenix entertained while my husband laughs saying ‘thank goddess you’re so hot and never pursued singing’, managing the teething cranky one from biting everything from power cords to my art. And so I pull a bag of frozen corn because I didn’t have the energy to shuck a cob (don’t think I ever wrote or spoke that) and as I pull the pot out, the bag which I didn’t know had been opened, it proceeds to in slow motion spill all over my kitchen. I pause, look out to the rain, Jay Z rapping in the background and as I’m sweeping I flirt between crying an ugly cry or laughing and then something happened. That moment of perspective, the kind weed gets you to much faster but I start to think about the world and how upset the hate and violence makes me, the abused neglected children that I can’t save and so many millions of people as I stood there that are starving, homeless or addicted to something that makes them unrecognizable to people that love them. And I took my broom, which I don’t really know how to use in the first place, and carve a heart from the yellow melting corn on my floor as a symbol of not only a choice in my reaction to my overwhelming exhaustion which could have easily taken a turn for the worse but for an awe inspiring feeling of gratitude. Grateful that I have healthy children to tend to, grateful for an amazing husband that does more co-parenting I’ve ever witnessed, grateful that I have my dream home, sacred and safe, and that I even had corn to spill. Every moment is a choice. This time as in most I chose wisely. It’s not easy folks. Not easy for me who feels the suffering for all and I give all my love and all my truth always and I can be ruthless when I’m met with lies, betrayal or unkindness. But I am grateful for my passion even when that too exhausts me.
Every mother is faced with aspects of mothering which challenges her soul and sensibilities to the core. In our darkest, desperate moments I find it so very powerful to become still and watch what arises in the mind, in the heart. To be a witness unto yourself, unfolding the layers that are causing the sudden fall of us in a difficult moment or moments or hours or days. To watch with earnest discovery, curiously delving into the emotions that are causing our spiral downward.
One of my own triggers in my most depleting desperate moments is when I feel I have no solitude. Solitude has been an important part of my life since I was a child. Recoiling to my room, lying for hours in my bed, playing with my dolls in youth, devouring my books in adolescence and womanhood and throughout all of these stages of me, communing with nature.
Having time and space to honor that reclusive part of me, my powerful Cancerian Moon that not only loves but also thrives off silence and aloneness. This, especially crucial because I am an Aquarian, social butterfly, a spiritual martyr for justice and those in and of the world.
I have always sought this insistent peace for my elaborately pensive mind, to analyze, reflect, even obsess over my thoughts and feelings. It’s where I’ve come to know myself, to love myself.
Motherhood, while it gives unparalleled joy and fulfillment, it takes away the spontaneous medicine someone sometimes needs to find inner harmony. The constant demands and responsibility leave little time for the pause I know I need for my heart and mental health, strength and energy.
When I feel the need, which I know so well, because I ‘know thyself’, to seclude knowing I cannot, because I have to repeatedly answer my toddlers unending questions or feed or change yet another diaper for my littlest one, and I need so badly that time to just be, to answer my own call. When unanswered for too long, I can become lethargic even depressed because I do not have endless time to devote to the part of myself that needs attention I once did. This is very trying, very tiring and depending where I’m at, often.
It is the realm of mothering that necessarily takes from ourselves to nourish another, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. It’s my greatest passion and gratitude and yet my hardest challenge and it doesn’t seem to get easier with time. And so one must master the call of how to maintain urgent time for ourselves in between creating an art project for our toddler (for not only excitement and encouragement of imagination) but as well as meltdown avoidance, cook dinner and make sure the second child, the baby, is also getting the attention the only child once did.
This new sacred self that is born the day we give birth is a new eternal rhythm, a new dance to lead and follow, an antidote to our heartbeat in unison with ourselves, and one, two and three others or more.
For me, I must ensue all methods of acquiring the art of remaining in the moment, yet reminding myself repeatedly that it’s not forever–they will sleep, I will get rest, I will have my own moments to hermit myself amongst me when need be.’Fore I’ve found this spiraling depression becoming quickened by the repetitive thought that it will somehow last forever and that I will have to abandon myself evermore, the love, the sad, and the needy call of myself.
I breathe, taking in action and a wish for peace. I go to nature, I close my eyes upon the hot healing sun, I run barefoot in the dirt, physically connecting to the earth because for a few wicked moments the ethereal existential identity of time has gotten the better of me. I actively, even aloud remind myself I am sovereign yet committed, a lone soul yet devout to my family. For me, the me has to always be there, heard, strong, listened to. It makes my connection and my bond to my lover and my girl’s meaningful, loving and authentic.
I need time for me, unapologetic self-love. I need time to sob in a lavender bath to release whatever pent up earthy matters surround me that weigh on my heart, I need to drink spirits while aimlessly, inspiringly writing poetry, I need time to build my arts and crafts, I need time to dive wholeheartedly into my beloved photography and dream of other images I seek to capture.
I, more than most perhaps, want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I can’t help it, I’ve been like this since I was a little girl and traveling on through the thought that that is not my reality any longer. I must fulfill their needs first then my own. It sounds so obvious but succumbing to this new truth, this new spiritual identity is a daily practice.
To not run and not hide but once again be bold, honoring the child within me too and speaking gently and compassionately to myself, that I will indeed find the time, I must just create it. A harrowing feat when at any time of the day one is exhausted and weary feeling deflated, defeated. But you must act; I must act for the sake of femininity, for the love of an awakened soul. Learning new ways to contribute to our longings and yearnings, devising new paths in manifesting time and space for loving ourselves in every time of need, whenever that arises.
I am humble in saying the truth that I am an extraordinary mother–the conscious care I take in every word and gesture, in every adventure to inspire my little women, morning songs, preparing meals, communing with nature whereby living by the sun and loving by the moon, each book I read to them, each nap wish, and goodnight kiss, and what I practice is loving myself the very way I love them, devoutly, gently, powerfully, and with nothing but love and understanding…
I cry for myself, not sorry for myself but tears for that child, that pained beautiful girl from within. The lost and frightened uncertain girl of yesteryear that still resides and sleeps besides me especially during this time of solitude change and discovery in my life. And now, a woman who has hurt herself again because of this lost child voice essence that is gone but inevitably not forgotten. I have hurt myself again and allowed her, that girl to devour the wisdom and knowledge I gained from my strength in lust to be filled, touched, made love to. To share a bed and ice cream perhaps a sunset perhaps both. I have allowed the powers that be to construct for him and me to co-create a reality I do not want but was implicitly vulnerable to for a myriad of reasons.
Shallow and empty when I give, is a time I know it is not meant to be. For giving alone has inspired me but now without gratitude or appreciation, love itself tears my heart out. And the flame that flickered upon my heart-self is warped into a space and time so unfamiliar until it was felt again. And still I sit here distracting myself with him, allowing his inability and hope to debilitate me and take me back, take me back to a time I would and do choose to leave behind for all the reasoning one must. I am angry, shaken, disturbed and yet I sit here yearning, fucking yearning. Yearning to be fucked and fuck, yearning to be held and to hold, yearning to kiss and be kissed, yearning, aching, burning desire for something that either he can’t fill or only I can. And here I am sitting pondering, allowing my feelings and thoughts to truly surface desperately. Trying to understand the place I place myself and for what cause. And when I think of such, my heart plumps, my stomach drops and my eyes begin to fill with saltwater relief. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself, me child-girl or woman to create with this and danced a dance that has shattered my spirit and my trust and still I allow his voice on the end of my phone and I seek his scent and secretly hope a hope so deep that I haven’t even recognized it myself.
I have surpassed unconditional love into self-disrespect and if I do not stop now my self will implode and undo the careful stitches that have taken me a lifetime to protect my fragile heart and receptive mind. I do not know when to stop. As the roller coaster ride continues how does one choose to alleviate themselves upside down or height side up? This is my struggle and most damaging is that I know I must but I actually can’t at this moment in my life and so that is why I cry. I cry for that little girl that is involved in this fantasy and hopeless love she never knew in him but does so badly so madly she does. Me with all my intention, keep thinking, keep shrinking my intuition trying to trick it, thinking if I want it my intuition herself will be pliable, malleable to grant my wish, my desire but I know better, this woman, that the intuitive is a Goddess-compass that reveals only truth and cannot be changed my will or force. It is sovereign and like a good parent remains steadfast for the well being of the child.
And this is why I suffer, once again. I am self parenting my heart and mind and oh, how tired I am and oh, how frightened I am and oh, how rage-filled I am with myself for enduring a lesson I have already learned. Time is fucking me and since I see no resolve for matrimony I must insist on persisting the permission to excuse myself to a higher power of resistance beyond all that I have ever known thus far.
Ocean journey and starlit walks at midnight await me and my truest love. Maybe I do not know, maybe I am wrong or maybe that is my hope drugging me again. Since time won’t tell me I wait for my own self to reconcile what I thought I knew and as I have always known to be set free—sooner.