I am here swimming in my own mindful thoughts and the existence they have. Slowly, but surely I find myself gathering my needs to reach depths of dreamlike qualities and realistic ambitions. There is a shadow lurking behind but my conscious mind fends this off by referring to it frequently. I become mesmerized by the beauty and complexity of life. I feel as if I were to write everyday and every moment it would not be enough to capture the expansive emotion I have attached to my soul and the spirit of this world. My chest aches and feels heavy often by the mere race and struggle stress causes me on my city streets. Am I alone? I mustn’t be because I know when I have that connection with another, I feel their soul through their eyes saying “Yes, I believe you and I too feel the same diversities and varieties daily and upon every waking hour.”

The resonating force that my heart beats with is familiar yet so involuntary I forget sometimes that I’m holding my breath. All of the aspects of this complex world must come together to form that sacred prism of light, love, peace, and harmony. I am convinced that all the beauty in the world blended and mixed together creates balance. Purely and simply balance and love remains the truth. One does not fully realize the magnitude one must seek within to retain this nor have they been made aware of the tremendous amount of both energy and internal work it takes to create this miraculous array of sought-after feelings.

I reach out from my inside only to be fraught with doubt and insecurity, which makes me in turn delve deeper within my sea of emotion to gather the position and experiences attached to it. My love and my heart soak in all the energy of another and my eyes attach to all sights that are revealed to me. My memory co-inhabits the space of my mind so I may one day, be able to look back and remember this girl who tried so ambitiously to figure it out while life passed her bye.

Detachment from attachment is a necessary healing device in the walls of social society and the expressed version is often sifted through revealing only the dull, softer, faded passion that once existed. Our soul must push forward and journey down each doorway we have created in our mind’s eye.

Mortality hits me like a train wreck but solidifies by belief in the bigger picture of life and the true reason behind it all. It is sad and can be lonely but making every single solitary moment with the ones you love mindful and thoughtful and unique.

Gently, I lower my arm from a fear of being wrong and in those tiny moments of doubt I take a leap away from pure light and love from within. I will be braver than that, I will fight harder, and have the courage to live and love for my soul’s eternity.


I am a lost soul. Abandoned, desecrated, sheltered and forbidden. I cannot believe the way my heartaches. The depths at which I suffer are beyond earthly. The thorns crowning my minds eye and the nails through my freedom, crosses my path and pierces into self-crucifixion.

Twirling my emotion around the spiral of myself, suicidal and despaired beyond recognition. No soul knows this essence of me. The joy they choose to see because of my request. I cannot believe it is not you. I knew for sure but now your ambivalence has me running, wanting to escape this self-doubt you selfishly impose on me. And I know I cannot change your unwilling, fearful heart. Sometimes the end is just what we need for a new beginning. And yet, I do not know where my end or my beginning is and is there such a thing?

Stranded, desolate, encapsulated in a cocoon of pain, rotting from the inside out and yet it is light that exudes from me. I am so confused at myself and the extremes I encompass. I bid you farewell while my heart skips a beat in recalling the reality of that choice. Once again, I am here, nostalgic, grasping at hope with nothing but my rare and not even rare, non-existence sense of self. And still I know you do not hear my words or sense my truth. I cannot explain, ‘fore if you do not know what infliction you cause by your apathy and indecision I cannot and will not light your path.

It is time for enlightenment to guide my way for me. Would you have ever guessed the desperate spirit I carry? Would you know that this is who I am, what I am being within my solitude? And is it too unpredictable for you to care for? Does she, this girl, now woman frighten your sensibilities that from you is spoiled and unattractively unyielding and conditioned? Do you have any idea of this abyss from which I was born swimming and the wrath of love I can conjure up?

‘Fore truly, I am all. Love unencumbered, unknown, untapped and misunderstood in a vast landscape of nobodies. I say goodnight now to you and will awake in my morning with me. I am resisting the pull of your unconscious seduction. No matter how debilitating this may be for me, temporarily of course, I will one day soar beyond the fullness of my heart and the weight of my tears…without you. And smoldering anger now within me exists because you made me a liar.


I am fighting death and I do not know what to do with myself. Distraught between ambition and emotional torture. All I feel capable of is writing my thoughts and feelings and sharing what can only be described as overwhelming torment. An abyss of vast pain for many memories and decisions been made and which I sit it the ultimate of self-judgement and self-hatred and self-guilt and dare I say…regret.

I am encapsulated by fear and familiar unfamililiarites of brand new seeds of wisdom. Why must it be this excruciating; this darkness to become the light? There must be a more fragile path beyond this extreme manic state I find myself within far too often. Doubt and questions and procrastination makes me crazy. My mind becoming insane from inner immobility. And what is the power of now and what is taking time to heal?

I am drunk with sadness. Such despair thoughts of suicide are overcome by thoughts of feeling this love for this land, this earth. I do want to die and at many moments it manifests in a physical emptiness but in many others it is way and means of seeking enlightenment from what it is I have created.

Why? Why? Why? Why am I so sore, so lonely, so ill-prepared for solitude. How is it that I did not know if this is natural for someone finding such at this age in time or am I sick? And tired? No one. I have no one and so many. Who am I? What have I become? Inner turmoil stretches the length and distance of all the sane and sea my eyes rest upon in my life now. An innate time bomb swinging gently then fiercely as an undulating pendulum that stems from my heart. And the roots so obvious and the reasons so apparent and yet this lack of experience has me running from myself.

Do others endure this same dichotomy of desperation and rage? Who do I ask and when I find them is there ever an appropriate time? Do I do this and live this for me or for the world and what if I am like them, those others past in time that are only revered and recognized once their time has passed.
I thought I knew, I thought I understood and sitting here cold and drunk with my confusion I revelate that I do not know and does that mean this is the beginning or the ending? Qu’est que ce le vrai? Red wine, my elixir of truth or is it desire to escape the inescapable cyclical nature of space and time that has besotted my being and which has been both a friend and an ugly divorce of self-reason.

Does anyone know what I mean? Do these words even penetrate some private contemplation or am I an island surrendering to emotional watery depths of aloneness? Many questions. Many, many, many.

So earth it is! And yet my eyes and my heart and my spirit cry for my unconscious sacred journey. All the aching cracks in my heart that I keep repaired are now raw and open from faulty stitches and manipulative, confused lovesick experiences. My most recent conquest of the elusive and I do not yet embrace this fresh wound.

Forgiveness for others I am constantly battling and for what? For me? For my own sense of mind? Or my ability to grasp what has been eluding me for so long that I need pain-filled excursions to remind me where it is I have been unconsciously or is it merely narcissistic in my pursuits? Where does self-f love end and self-evolution begin? These are my questions. And my reasoning not able to discern this from that when I am succumbing to feelings and yet I do not I fear what I might become. Guided only by hope and imagery I reach out seeking fro something beyond what I might have known even if it is from a fleeting moment in time embrace orgasms of revelation, recognitions, and connectedness.

My God, my Goddess all the forces and spirits that be, I beg of you for redemption and salvation from this fruitless, inevitably, debilitating power that strips me of my freedom and gives me magical gifts of reason and natural insight. Never again will I allow me and myself to become what I have known this night whilst listening to the waves crash and my tears fall from a place far painful that these green eyes have glimpsed through years and tears of abandonment.

In every way I am an orphan alone on her own. Delving where I have nothing left to give and receiving from nature powerful, unstoppable, penetrating truths. And so I give to me and to you, my heart beat, my breath, my pain, time and suffering transformed into knowledge and love–my life, the philosophy of me.


I am in a flux of emotion battling inside seeking out a greater resolution. I am disconnected, bored, and rhetorical while I reach out for a taste of the bigger picture. My intellect has grasped it and now it is time for my heart to connect with the lessons I have learned. I can feel this blockage this sickness this sha chi which engages my solar plexus in a world of words and thoughts. Do I write? Do I photograph? Do I feng shui myself to a success I dreamed of as a little girl.

It seems as if my prior plans were disrupted by destiny and fate and I am in a limbo between what I thought I wanted and what my soul now needs. Where do I begin? Will this process overtake my creative eye and who will show me the fruits of my success. I know it is I who posses the gift I ask for and coming to terms with my heart and mind will eventually bridge the gap between this world and that.

Am I taking a step backwards or just facing the inevitable standstill that occurs in life and will this transformation be ready when I am? I am hot, humid and suffering form indecisiveness. I am short and wise and brave enough to carry on yet my heart is pulling in another direction, not because of its desire for something different but because I have always have had to have my head lead to keep control and now I want to set myself free.

Free form this and free from that free from worry and comparisons and self-doubt. Free from reality and the material possessions it requires of you. Free from concern and sickness and punishment.

I am a little solider in this giant army world and I know that a new time is dawning. I feel myself on the horizon and I am now ready to release, lay my head back and enjoy the effervescent sherbet colored sunrise.


Until this day I cry. My soul aching in despair from pain and a sadness that cannot be destroyed. I wish someone had told me that I should get used to my tears. Because for so long I have been frightened of their return.

I am lonely and don’t look forward to them as I used to, as much as they are necessary.

I love you madly. I am so sorry for myself. I love you and need you and want you.

I am so guilty and filled with sorrow, which I thought aloneness would annihilate our love, but it has not and it has not, because it cannot. Ours is such a love of soul– immeasurable, inexact, and indecipherable to all who witness it.

I don’t even know why I love you the way I do. Its’ not the support you give to me or the your inner strength or even the way your lips move when you speak. It is the essence– just you. All that you encompass and more importantly the way our love, you and me connects, intertwines and lavishes itself upon each other. It is magical, an art and science and sacred beyond belief.

I need to bring a child into the world with you. It is our most purposeful gift to this earth. The marriage of the wisdom and us that he and she, mind and spirit will have to flourish of this world.

I love your hands and breath and voice and mind and spirit and humor and laugh. You make me cry more than anyone could, you make dance better than anyone should and live freer than I ever dreamed possible.

I am lost without you and forsaken when I am alone. I cannot imagine existence without you and my life before you is a distant shadowed memory.

I adore you and will until your last dying breath, while I stroke your head and fill your heart and mind with peace so that you may raise your consciousness to the highest level with and without me.

Please forgive me.

Love me, love me, love me better than you ever have, appreciate myself as you never did and grant me the wings to fly wherever my heart inspires me to soar.
That is all is ask of you and in return I will worship our love, embrace our differences and hold our lives and our love just as I always have…flawless.


A spell, an awakening has occurred. I sit here rocked by my own emotion, crossing that wall into another realm, another possibility. But do I need to make a decision or will it just flow through my like the shaking sea of doubt?

I have been locked up, caged, scorned for my own beliefs, my radical thought. And burned may I be, but my mind thinks not. I have seen the other side of the bridled mortar and pestle. I am dancing in this world and that world and may I ask, if I make any sense to you?

I think not before I write; giving myself over to complete and utter faith that my inspiration won’t let me down. So much I have seen through the past, through my eyes and those of others.

Are we on the brink or shall I rest peaceful, carefree, and careless about this world tonight? I am struck dumfounded by the epitome of my fluid fingers and what it is costing me.

I do not know who I am right at this moment and I realize it is quite convenient to forget.