DREAM AWAKE TIME & SINLESS LONESOMENESS

I am fighting death and I do not know what to do with myself. Distraught between ambition and emotional torture. All I feel capable of is writing my thoughts and feelings and sharing what can only be described as overwhelming torment. An abyss of vast pain for many memories and decisions been made and which I sit it the ultimate of self-judgement and self-hatred and self-guilt and dare I say…regret.

I am encapsulated by fear and familiar unfamililiarites of brand new seeds of wisdom. Why must it be this excruciating; this darkness to become the light? There must be a more fragile path beyond this extreme manic state I find myself within far too often. Doubt and questions and procrastination makes me crazy. My mind becoming insane from inner immobility. And what is the power of now and what is taking time to heal?

I am drunk with sadness. Such despair thoughts of suicide are overcome by thoughts of feeling this love for this land, this earth. I do want to die and at many moments it manifests in a physical emptiness but in many others it is way and means of seeking enlightenment from what it is I have created.

Why? Why? Why? Why am I so sore, so lonely, so ill-prepared for solitude. How is it that I did not know if this is natural for someone finding such at this age in time or am I sick? And tired? No one. I have no one and so many. Who am I? What have I become? Inner turmoil stretches the length and distance of all the sane and sea my eyes rest upon in my life now. An innate time bomb swinging gently then fiercely as an undulating pendulum that stems from my heart. And the roots so obvious and the reasons so apparent and yet this lack of experience has me running from myself.

Do others endure this same dichotomy of desperation and rage? Who do I ask and when I find them is there ever an appropriate time? Do I do this and live this for me or for the world and what if I am like them, those others past in time that are only revered and recognized once their time has passed.
I thought I knew, I thought I understood and sitting here cold and drunk with my confusion I revelate that I do not know and does that mean this is the beginning or the ending? Qu’est que ce le vrai? Red wine, my elixir of truth or is it desire to escape the inescapable cyclical nature of space and time that has besotted my being and which has been both a friend and an ugly divorce of self-reason.

Does anyone know what I mean? Do these words even penetrate some private contemplation or am I an island surrendering to emotional watery depths of aloneness? Many questions. Many, many, many.

So earth it is! And yet my eyes and my heart and my spirit cry for my unconscious sacred journey. All the aching cracks in my heart that I keep repaired are now raw and open from faulty stitches and manipulative, confused lovesick experiences. My most recent conquest of the elusive and I do not yet embrace this fresh wound.

Forgiveness for others I am constantly battling and for what? For me? For my own sense of mind? Or my ability to grasp what has been eluding me for so long that I need pain-filled excursions to remind me where it is I have been unconsciously or is it merely narcissistic in my pursuits? Where does self-f love end and self-evolution begin? These are my questions. And my reasoning not able to discern this from that when I am succumbing to feelings and yet I do not I fear what I might become. Guided only by hope and imagery I reach out seeking fro something beyond what I might have known even if it is from a fleeting moment in time embrace orgasms of revelation, recognitions, and connectedness.

My God, my Goddess all the forces and spirits that be, I beg of you for redemption and salvation from this fruitless, inevitably, debilitating power that strips me of my freedom and gives me magical gifts of reason and natural insight. Never again will I allow me and myself to become what I have known this night whilst listening to the waves crash and my tears fall from a place far painful that these green eyes have glimpsed through years and tears of abandonment.

In every way I am an orphan alone on her own. Delving where I have nothing left to give and receiving from nature powerful, unstoppable, penetrating truths. And so I give to me and to you, my heart beat, my breath, my pain, time and suffering transformed into knowledge and love–my life, the philosophy of me.