LABYRINTH OF MY HEART

I am a lost soul. Abandoned, desecrated, sheltered and forbidden. I cannot believe the way my heartaches. The depths at which I suffer are beyond earthly. The thorns crowning my minds eye and the nails through my freedom, crosses my path and pierces into self-crucifixion.

Twirling my emotion around the spiral of myself, suicidal and despaired beyond recognition. No soul knows this essence of me. The joy they choose to see because of my request. I cannot believe it is not you. I knew for sure but now your ambivalence has me running, wanting to escape this self-doubt you selfishly impose on me. And I know I cannot change your unwilling, fearful heart. Sometimes the end is just what we need for a new beginning. And yet, I do not know where my end or my beginning is and is there such a thing?

Stranded, desolate, encapsulated in a cocoon of pain, rotting from the inside out and yet it is light that exudes from me. I am so confused at myself and the extremes I encompass. I bid you farewell while my heart skips a beat in recalling the reality of that choice. Once again, I am here, nostalgic, grasping at hope with nothing but my rare and not even rare, non-existence sense of self. And still I know you do not hear my words or sense my truth. I cannot explain, ‘fore if you do not know what infliction you cause by your apathy and indecision I cannot and will not light your path.

It is time for enlightenment to guide my way for me. Would you have ever guessed the desperate spirit I carry? Would you know that this is who I am, what I am being within my solitude? And is it too unpredictable for you to care for? Does she, this girl, now woman frighten your sensibilities that from you is spoiled and unattractively unyielding and conditioned? Do you have any idea of this abyss from which I was born swimming and the wrath of love I can conjure up?

‘Fore truly, I am all. Love unencumbered, unknown, untapped and misunderstood in a vast landscape of nobodies. I say goodnight now to you and will awake in my morning with me. I am resisting the pull of your unconscious seduction. No matter how debilitating this may be for me, temporarily of course, I will one day soar beyond the fullness of my heart and the weight of my tears…without you. And smoldering anger now within me exists because you made me a liar.